My lifes over, feeling hopeless
Posted on February 22, 2008
» Filed Under Health Forum |
I am no teenager, i’m in my forties soplease no teens trying to compare hating aclass or something to my life because if Ihad a small problem I wouldn’t be here, Iwould fix it. When I was growing up myfantasy (goals) about adulthood was justto get a good job that paid well, buy thathouse with the fence, get married and havekids. Back then you could pretty much getinto most fields even with no experienceand if you worked hard you could make it.
After high school my goal was to join theArmy and have a career as a mechanic andafter I got out of the military apply myskills to either get my own business orget a good job and settle down. Well afterabout five years the military started anequal opportunity push and all the whiteguys like me started getting passed overfor promotions. Eventually we were told toour faces we wouldn’t be promoted anymorebecause we were white males. Eventually Iwas forced out.
In the civilian world businesseseverywhere started the same thing but agediscrimination was also added in. peopleeverywhere with seniority started wakingup to find no jobs waiting, while youngerand less skilled workers got their jobsfor far less money. When I got out everyemployer laughed at my military backgroundand told me to come back when I receivedcivilian training and experience. Catchtwenty two, no jobs without experience andno training unless you already had a jobin your new field. Entry level jobs soondisappeared at least for people like mebut if you could speak spanish, automaticjob, even if you could not read and writein English, or had no verifiablebackground or experience. They can evenget a drivers license with an expiredpassport, while me with six forms of IDget turned away and still have to bring afiling cabinet the next time it needsrenewing.
Every job field I qualified to get intosoon squeezed people like me out. Duringmy civilian years many employers have toldme to my face they don’t hire whites,wouldn’t because of my age or sex, ore acombination of them. So while thesereasons to discriminate might be illegalif another group received them likeblacks, females, spanish speaking,etcthere is no law anywhere to protect peoplelike me since equal opportunity laws weredesigned not to treat everyone equally.These laws were to deny people like mefrom further opportunities so others, evenwhen completely unqualified for a positioncould take our places, for far less money.Businesses everywhere took advantage ofthese laws to combine jobs, cut salaries,and to decrease or eliminate benefits likeretirement and health care, and to shipjob opportunities overseas.
Anyway I eventually found myself beingdenied opportunity after opportunitybecause I was an older white guy. So sinceI don’t have a career field to fall backon I am stuck with no employable skills orexperience. Many skills I did have areyears outdated. Education, I have triedmany times and each worthless, since noeducation is worth anything unless anemployer is willing to hire and trainentry level candidates, today most willnot unless your’re of high school age likemy son.
I love my wife dearly however, she wasmarried once before and afterwards gotfixed and cannot have kids anymore. Nowone my dreams was always to have kids ofmy own so I never will. So here I sit inmy forties, my wife works, my son evenworks and will soon go to college. Me Iwill never be employable because I’meither to old, the wrong sex, the wrongrace, not experienced, no currenttraining, no references, and no verifiablebackground, or whatever other reason youcan toss in. Life has passed me by despitemy attempts to particapate. I am nowcompletely useless and am sure I will be aburden on my wife for the rest of my days.
When I have mentioned these problemsbefore most just cannot understand myproblems since they have never walked amile in my shoes. While my dear wife hasbeen extremely supportive, even she doesnot understand my problems. Howeverrecently she was purposely fired from ajob because she was the only Americancitizen there, so she is starting tounderstand. Some in online forums havecalled people like me a cry baby and tellpeople like me to be silent. I refuse togo silently, but feel I will be uselessfor the rest of my life. I have triedeverything but am out of options, I guessI have to except that I will never beemployable again, and that everything Iwanted to achieve in life will neverhappen. Well at least there is that lastconstant, we all die sooner or later. Itsprobably a good thing I don’t believe insuicide, or own a gun. Then again thatwould be to easy, life is determined tohave me suffer as long as possible. Sositting in the shadows and sufferingmostly in silence is my punishment inlife.
Wanted to add in we are drowning in dept,rent is overdue, bills are piled high andI feel its all my fault because I can’tfind any job even if my life depends onit. I feel my situation is hopeless andit’s all because I have failed ateverything I have ever tried to do.
Georgia59:
Shadowman-
I’m so sorry to hear about the troubleyou’ve been through.
Have you talked to anyone about gettinghelp: a career counselor, maybe atherapist??
shadowman:
Lets see talking to someone? I could spenda ton of money I don’t have to see someonewith a degree who is most likely half myage and has never been exposed to myproblems, who would have no experience todraw from. They might say things like youshould like yourself more, or believe inmyself more than I do. A favorite for themmight be to have me list what I like aboutmyself and what I don’t. Time saver, notmuch I like about my life, period. Yup,talking to someone without a clue to myproblems would be helpful how? Perhaps, ifthere was a group around for older whiteguys with my problems, (and lead by onethen) I might go sign up right now.However, we all know there are no suchgroups around.
A career counselor? Sure if I had moneyand again a service designed for the youngor someone with highly marketable skills,i’d be in neither group. These servicesall give the same advice and don’t caterto people like me. I’d waste my time andmoney and never see results. See I havebeen deprived of a career my entire lifesimply because i’m a white guy so noamount of counseling will overcome thefact that I have never been given achance to get a good job and the skills Ineed. Lastly, don’t say education, thatsthe biggest scam around. I have a wallfull of awards and degrees, and stuff theydon’t count when your told sorry onlyfemales and blacks get the promotion, orsorry we don’t hire whites, older workers,or U.S. citizens.
MsCarrie:
Only you have control over your life andwhat you are able to do with it. UntillApril of 2006 I worked in the medicalfield for 23 years. I am not almost 61years old. For the last 4 years my lifehas been built around health horror andalmost death. I am not at the end of mythird stage of disablity after beingdenied twice. My youngest son is talkingcare of me. I get food stamps and am onMedicaid. I belong to the government! Ideal with it and do the best I can to makemy life useful in other ways. I will neverwork again. As a matter of fact, I go forspine surgery March 3rd.
You seem to have alot of anger built upinside over things that are so pety. Don’ttake that anger out on our staff.Georgia59 is one of the best Modertors onthis board amongst many others. If youdon’t want to hear what we say then youare not ready for any help. We are allhere to help you if you really want tolisten. There are jobs out there forpeople that can and want to work.
Don’t you think that every day I getdepressed just thinking that I am a burdenon my son? YES. I do. But, I try and makeboth our lives as stress free as possible.So, if you have come here to argue and notfor help, you have lost the point of thiscommunity.
As a side note. My son got fired for notdoing something that was NOT in his jobdiscription and has been out of work for amonth. He just now got a new job. We alsodon’t know how the rent, power, water etcbills are going to be paid. You think yourthe only one in this position. Well, yourare wrong.
Now I am done……………
Georgia59:
| shadowmanwrote: |
I’m just thinking that if you talk tosomeone like a career counselor, they willbe able to point you to jobs that you arewell qualified for and that you are likelyto be hired for. They know the reality ofthe job market, they should be able tohelp you with whatever problems you arehaving. If you’re really that sure thatyour problem is being an older white male,find an older white male career counselorwho can identify with you and help youout.
And you really do sound like you need thehelp of some kind of therapist, someoneyou can talk to. If you go to a gooddoctor and really tell them how you’refeeling, tell them you don’t want to makeany silly lists of things you like aboutyourself, that kind of thing, they WILLlisten to you and they WILL help you inways you feel are appropriate.
Don’t knock it till ya try it. That’s allI’m saying. There are many older white menin therapy, career counseling, etc. thatyou can talk to if you think they will bemore sympathetic. Just give it a try.
Find a older white maletherapist/psychologist/counselor who canhelp you out. I promise they’re out there.And don’t tell me “I won’t try it becauseit won’t work” because well, then you’renever gonna get anywhere.
georgina23:
Hello.
I am truly sorry to read your woes - theyare real to you no matter WHAT else isgoing on in the world. Your S*** is yourS*** and that’s what you have to dealwith.
DO TRY therapy. I too had the samefeelings as you about it. But after apretty hefty few years (last year was theworst - SO FAR) - see my blog here “idon’t know how i am still alive”.
I too am drownign in debt - i don’t haveany family of my own that can help.Haven’t had a cuddle or any physicalcontact (apart from a handshake at work)in nearly a year.
Councelling (i was desperate) DID help -after i attended 6 sessions (yes you haveto work at it too - it’s really hard toopen up) and you know what?? to myamazement i learnt things about myself. Sodo find one that is available free ofcharge (see your doctor) and keep at it.Set yourself a small (tho might seem huge)goal (you are a goal setter after all!) togo 6 times….. just see what happens OK?
Suggestion:
Set up your own business.
Fitness classes in a park
Help other people get fit.
You have training you can pull from.
There’s a revolution in outdoor fitnessgoing on here - British Military Fitness(google it) - you could do the same thing.
Even if you don’t partake in the exercises(if you have health issues), having aresponsibility to help others, be incharge, be around positive people justmight be a turning point for you.
other ideas:
set up a site / blog for others who haveexperienced the same rejections as you.People have different skills - you neverknow what ideas you might all come up withtogether - which may even lead to work.
Don’t rely on others for work - getyourself up up up. Yes i know, seemsrelentless but there are two types ofpeople in this world:
those that sit and wait for life to servethem
those that get up, maybe take just onetiny step before they fall over. Get up,dust themselves down, take another coupleof steps - fall over again.
You might be a little bruised - but you’redoing something.
you sound like a fighter to me - findthose last ounces of strength - and DOSOMETHING. Even if it seems the mostmammoth effort to begin with…
The best of British luck Sir…. go do it!x
Georgia59:
Those were great suggestions.
shadowman:
I have tried all sorts of ways to get abetter job: agencies, a high end careerplacement agency, job fairs, college (bigscam,) etc. and I get the same resultsevery time, nothing. I say I am out ofoptions because I’ve exhausted them allover the years. My last attempt was to goto college and begin my own business, butI got hosed instead. Wanna talk aboutcareers, I’ve been pushed out of severalso everything I ever wanted to do and thensome is gone for me.
Fitness, I go for walks and joined LABoxing with my wife recently, a bit ofexcercise doesn’t scare me. I have alwaysstrived to do my best in everything I doand I have dozens of past awards and stuffto back up that claim from past careers.Now that i’m older I am faced with thefact that my best never mattered because Inever had a chance.
A counselor seems like a good idea but Idon’t qualify for free services of anytype and can’t afford to pay. Opening upand talking about things with a counselorseems like it could be helpful, except forone thing. I know my luck and it would notbe helpful jumping from one counselor toanother until I find one that is right forme. Plus it can show up in my medicalhistory and effect things like gettinglife insurance and such. I know triedselling life insurance for a bit, was evenlicensed, another business flop.
MsCarrie:
My heart really goes out to you. I knowyour not hear for someone to play heartsand flowers for you. You are a genuinegentlemen, who is plagued with the feelingof be betrayed, misunderstood anddepressed. I will be honest with you. If Iwere as young again as you are, I wouldprobably feel the same way. Sounds to melike you really haave tried everythingunder the sun to find work. Use to be youdid not even need a high school diploma toget a entry level job. Then that changedand they requested you have a high schooldiploma for anything. Now the changed andyou need a journeymans liecense or adegree to get anywhere anymore. It isgetting harder and harder. My oldest sonworked for Capital One for 7 years as acomputer software anyalist. One day hegets his pick slip. They were droppingover a hundred top level employees so theycould outsource the work. Thank goodnesshe got a better paying job with thebrokridge furm Franklin Tempelton.
My point is, if I were still you age evenwith a medical background for over 23years, I would not be able to find workeither. Overworked and underpaid!
You are in my thoughts shadowman,
Carrie
I likegeorgina23’s tips
georgina23:
Will be thinking of you on 3rd March.Actually on 2nd March - that’ll be the dayto send hope and love and other thoughtsof good will.
Shadowman, i don’t know your situation,but it sounds like you could do with beingsurrounded by other people OUTSIDE all ofthis. Not friends you already know, notfamily - other people
Why not volunteer to do some work for yourlocal community??
Helping older people, who can be verylonely
start a scheme and then get your localgovernment involved…
Anything that takes the focus OFF yourworries (i know, they’ll still be therebut sometimes the incessant thinking aboutthem is more than half the affliction) andfocussing something positive. Having aschedule, a responsibility means you havesomething else to think about… a reasonto get up and out the house. It’s all textbook stuff but sometimes we have to givein to text books and realise that we arecreatures of habit and things affect mostin the same ways.
You are a human being. Every one of us isvaluable, everyone can touch others.
You have a big heart which i am sure canbe put to amazing use. Get someself-worth, even if you have to pretendfor a bit - it rubs off for real i assureyou.
Good luck x
MsCarrie:
georgina23: Thank-you. Theywill be appreciated
Shadowman: georgina23 has a goodthought. Sometimes in life, just thesmallest feeling of selfworth is worthit’s weight in gold. You need to get outand do something kind for others. There isso much volunteer work out there. Althoughit does not pay. It makes you feel worthsomething and money does not buyhappiness. I realize it does not pay thebills either. But, maybe, just maybe itwill open up some doors for you and youmay even get a job out of it when they seethe good you can do. I think georgina23’sidea is wonderful.
Hugs coming at ya,
Carrie
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